I have 600+ friends on Facebook making me a clear expert in this week's Top 2 Tuesdays topic - "What I've Learned About Friendships". I kid....about the expert part.
I haven't participated in Top 2 in a long while, but I admit, this subject made me want to throw in my 2-cents!!
I have a lot of friends. I've hurt friends. I've been hurt by friends. I've forgiven friends. Friends have forgiven me.
I've maintained old friendships, long distance friendships. In recent years I've found myself still making new friends - and I hope that's always the case in my life.
I'm a good friend - not a perfect one - but a good one, and these are my Top 2 thoughts on friendships:
1. Have (and be a friend to) friends who are at different stages in life than you are.
It's undeniably fabulous to have a friend who is so in tandem with you and everything in your world. My friend Anne + I were engaged and planning our weddings together after many years of being single and sharing dating disasters, and the empathy + excitement we got to share was priceless.
When I graduated from college, however, I was among the few girls in my circle of friends who didn't immediately get married and start a family. I moved off to a new city and indulged in a very selfish and indulgent lifestyle.
Purposefully, I limited contact with these friends because I was sure they thought I was still acting like a college co-ed (and in may ways, I was...). Because our lives were going in opposite directions, I was quick to just shut out the people who were living a life different than I was living. I regret distancing myself from these women with whom I shared many great years, many defining moments.
If I could go back to my 20-something self, I would change this because these days, I count amongst my closest friends women who certainly aren't like me in every way - thank goodness!! Some of my best friends are several years younger than me, older than me, still single, successful career ladies, and stay-at-home moms. I love all the things that I learn from them, and that they {hopefully} learn from me.
2. Make Time for Your Friends
Friendship is easy when you're in college - you see, sometimes even live with, your friends nearly every day. It's when we all grow up and are faced with managing a real job, a real house, a real romance - a real life - that the friends who so seemlessly decorated our days are not always around - especially if you don't make time for them (even in your full + busy life).
Long before I became a reluctant suburbanite, my friend Mary rocked the Maryland 'burbs all by her lonesome. It wasn't (and still isn't) always easy for her to meet up for impromptu happy hours or even make the long haul for planned dinner parties down in the city. Sometimes Mary + I go weeks without seeing each other, and when that happens, we stop, pull out our calendars, and make a date.
I don't think that the writers of Sex and the City have it wrong when they play up the value of girlfriends, but I do think in real life women are quick to move their friendships far, far down on their list of priorities. This is why sometimes we suddenly end up with free time, and no one with whom to spend it. Or even worse, we find ourselves needing the emotional support that only friends can provide, and we've bankrupted our besties having over-spent our time on other areas of our lives.
Have you ever felt slighted by someone who says, My husband will be out of town next week, we should get together then ?
I'm not saying that when Mr. W isn't around I don't sometimes fill my calender with chick flicks + pedicure dates, but, it's important not to make your friends, especially ones who aren't in relationships or married, feel like you only have time for them when you don't have something better to do. I don't think women realize sometimes how qualifying the time they give to their friends can really be, well, insulting.
Mr. W means a WHOLE lot to me. He's my top person, my first phone call at the end of my work day, and is senior to all others in my heart. He's my husband, yes, and that encompasses every element of relationship - friendship included - but he's not my "best friend" and I'm not his. I think that's perfectly fine - healthy, even.
He doesn't want to go to Raven's games with me; he wants to go with Dave. I don't want him in the pedicure chair next to me; I want Cassie or Mary or Jenni (or Jocelyn or Shannon or any of the women I'm lucky to claim as a dear, dear friend). And though I depend on him for a range of emotions and needs, it is unfair for him to be my source of stability for everything.
I've learned - sometimes the hard way - that it's important to make time for, and value deeply, a diverse group of friends.
